You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Floor bacon is actually really good
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
