Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
