I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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