Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
