i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
