nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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