My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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