True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
