get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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