i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
