Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
