So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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