a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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