What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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