I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
