Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
