Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
