So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
