Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
