i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
