I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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