I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
