The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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