i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
