Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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