First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
