Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
