It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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