I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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