I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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