Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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