curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
