So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
third nipple confirmed
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
