tell your sister to shave her snatch
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
