we have pet lesbian snakes
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
