dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
