Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
