Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
