I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
