this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
