I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
