and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
