My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
