Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
