Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
