Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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