whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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