Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
