i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
