Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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