i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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