last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
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Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
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That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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