I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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