a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
