Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I want a musical about memes.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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