wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
