ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
they're like a gay fantastic four
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
