You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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