I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
