I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
