you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
