You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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