Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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